Tuesday, July 10, 2007

can't believe how tired I am with the passing of each day.

there are many things happening these few days, & sometimes it really surprises me at the rate these things are going & taking place. school has become more interesting, in terms of the lessons & contexts covered, because i'm a happy girl when i understand things, & that's enough for me already. I don't care if i'm the bottom line or whatever, these stuff are all in the mind, besides,i think taking such imaginary lines as the benchmark of being good or bad is totally ridiculous?

it's funny how i see myself in the actions & words of people these days, it's like rewinding to where you once were before & observing your own little actions, taking the shoes of someone else. haha, & it's like experiencing the effects of your own little actions directly, which feels weird but at the same time, it's like getting to understand yourself better? but of coursee, i cant say that i actually know myself well inside out, so yeah.

well, today I had a sudden urge for a run again, & people who really know me would know why. jogged at east coast till one part of the jetty and back, & it felt good to run again. east coast brings back a whole flood of memories, but new ones keep building up against the old, so i guess we all need time to reminsce at some point or another. And when i returned, I sat down at the edge of the sandy beach to catch my breath, and to embrace the scene?
it was so heartwarming to see people treasuring each other right there, taking photographs as memory keepsakes, or even catching the waves as they come by.
even little kids playing by the sand & shouting right back at the ocean made me somewhat envious, but nothing could beat the sight of their happy faces, because it washed away my exhaustion & everything. & i thought, when was the last time i felt this happy?

sigh.

while walking back home, i stayed to watch kids learning to rolerblade near macdonalds, and i was amazed upon seeing some of them striving to get the hang of it despite falling countless times. i mean, i don't think i'd have stayed on or pushed myself further to learn something totally unfamiliar to me, if i were younger. I observed those kids by the handrailings, and then i felt the presence of a senior right by me, & it only became clearer when she came up to talk to me.

my first reaction was, that people, even strangers, hardly take the initiative to break the barrier & speak out the first word, yet it came so naturally to her to converse like how you would to any other person. then again, seniors are people who really know how to appreciate such moments, where it's silly to be hampered by any sense of awkwardness, even if it were just to talk.

so what seemed like commenting about the little kids learning how to rollerblade, turned into something more personal, and we chatted about almost anything :D like seriously, we began talking about every single stuff there was, and we walked back home via the underpass together, as we stayed relatively close to each other. haha, then she said something about calling her "ahma" because she felt she was getting older, but seriously from her optimism and smiles she looked far off than that. so i suggested calling her "xiaojie" instead & she began laughing uncontrollably. haha

it's strange how fast we can converse with much ease, much less strangers. yet within those ten to fifteen minutes, i was captivated by her enthusiasm and slowly i had my trust in her, even when it was a matter of a short period of time. her hearty encouragements & my desire to get to know her better paired it off, & that little convo alone made me feel so much better kay (:

yet in school, trust between friends becomes ever so fragile, & that trust soon becomes the rope in a tug-of-war, constantly being tugged at. maybe that's why we never learn to truly treasure one another, despite meeting each other on the daily. & rare occurences with strangers become so much worthy to treasure, because we will never know when we will meet again, or perhaps none at all. nevertheless, i hate it when things turn out this way, when we choose to take charge of things in our lives selectively, even in the subconscious mind?

is it that hard to take the initiative & make the first move, when you already know that things require action in itself?
but you know, sometimes i get so tired of making that first move that i take a more laid back approach & just let everything else take over.

it's so much easier to talk to strangers, because we don't expect much from each other, so i guess the scope of subject matter ranges infinitely, and we walk away with each other imprinted on our minds & hearts. seriously, she cheered me up indirectly & imprinted herself on my mind.

until things change for better or for worse, they continue to stay this way i guess?

a thousand miles
7:53 PM

Friday, July 06, 2007

i must say that today was quite a day, because it's only through common times or moments like these when we share the same contexts, seeing the true selves of people, where facades slowly fade away & what's left is the inner portions, all raw & tender.

I'm not going to elaborate on how I fared for my oral today, because it's over, & reminding myself about the few minutes I had in that room staring up the walls blankly would only make me feel so much worse inside. yes, i'm disappointed with myself, and i don't know how to describe how i was feeling at that particular moment, like there was a momentary rush of emotions through me, struggling to put itself together again.

it's scary to recall, but i'm grateful for the experience. what's thought-provoking, is the pillar of support constantly being built, improved & added upon between us with every single day. it becomes strong, only when we are truly aware of its existence, and otherwise only when we overlook that pillar. sadly, some things are slowly drifting apart.

some things are built upon a two-way basis, where both ends support each other. others may survive one-way, but doesn't last. & it's sad that there are those with none, sparing no effort at all to keep it together, or even build the solest of foundations.

you know, it's only recently that i started writing letters again, maybe it's because i become more aware of the existences of people around me, and how they really mean a lot to me? i remember how terrible i felt when I had lots of things to say to someone who's important in my life, but those words never got out of me. I don't want things to turn out that way again, because it's the last thing i'd ever want it to happen.

tingan, i'm grateful for having you around, encouraging, supporting, cheering me up when i'm down & giving me chocolate/ribena thinking it'd make me feel better. you are an inspiration :D & good luck to vanee for her dance comp, we'll miss you & we'll be praying for you at the same time. & huiyin, cheer up kay (:

OH, when i came home today & my folks asked me how my oral was, i told them & i couldn't believe their reaction, because i didn't really expect them to be proud of me or anything, or give a word of encouragement. but my dad tapped me on my back, bought for me iced cold milo & told me it's not the end of the world :D i love you daddy, it was as though i needed that at that exact moment. even my mum encouraged me that everything would be fine. i cried okay.

it's only the beginning,

so run with me;

a thousand miles
10:49 PM

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Friday, July 06, 2007

YADA. (:

FEMME.

EVERYTHING WITHIN.

THE LOVE.

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